When my mother was growing up in Spanish Harlem, folks used to put a whole pizza or even a turkey into a baby carriage, cover it up with a blanket, and stroll it right in.

My family still loves to sneak some food into a movie theater. Mami, now a pastor, still rationalizes breaking the rules with the fact that her snacks are healthier than anything you can buy at the theater. Titi and I just like to feel naughty. And we’re cheap.

Here’s a tip from me to you: Think twice about sneaking in a burrito. Seems like a great idea, right? Well, it is if you want to find sticky rice encrusted to your butt after the movie.

All the problems started when I removed the foil because it was making so much noise. A ton of stuff fell out. Nothin’ weird goin’ on here, Guy Behind Me. Just picking black beans and grains of rice out of my lap. I could barely enjoy the blessed thing, worried as I was about the sound and the smell. Soooo… Learn from my mistake tonight, and stick with these more sneakable foods:

• Homemade popcorn. Obvious.
  
• If you’re at Woodland, guac and chips from the Tex-Mex restaurant nearby and Godiva chocolates from the mall. Chips are really best for action movies because all the explosions cover up the sound of the crunching.
  
• If you’re at Knapp’s corner, Crackerjack, Café Solace comfort cookies, and Ben & Jerry’s from Meijer. Just make sure you can eat an entire pint or have someone to share it with. A half-pint of soupy, melted ice cream will totally blow your cover.
  
• Bring your own water. Seriously.
  
• Leftover pizza is pretty much solid gold.
  
• Sushi, just be careful with the soy sauce.

Photo by: Mr. Ducke

I’ve been thinking about/researching reasons not to be vegan. Other than the social and emotional drawbacks to veganism, most arguments against veganism were silly “nutritional” ones like, “You’re never going to get enough protein!”

The most compelling reason for me, I’ve decided, is the fact that food is a very important part of social and cultural identification, particularly for marginalized groups. Meat, especially pork, features prominently in both Puerto Rican and African American.

While I don’t have to put chicharron in my beans, there’s really no vegan way to make pernil. (I’m not as worried about ham hocks and chit’lins because the Puerto Rican side of my family is way more into food than my black side.)

I also don’t know how I could travel and not eat any animal products. I wouldn’t want to. Most of the fun of travelling is sampling local fare. On the plus side, the places I tend to travel probably aren’t serving meat from a factory farm. Also, it seems that non-American food traditions are a lot less wasteful, using all part of the animal. Puerto Ricans eat every possible part from pigs’ feet to chicken hearts, which are surprisingly delicious in soup.

Another irritating thing about veganism–not a reason not to do it, but annoying nontheless–is that it presupposes resources that some people just don’t have. You need time to research and make vegan recipes. You need access to resources through the Internet or books. Ideally, you’ll also have access to a community of other vegans.

You also need money. People keep telling me that it’s so much cheaper, blah blah blah, but these are the same people who own food dehydrators and soy milk makers. I am convinced that to really do veganism right, you or someone that loves you has to make a serious initial investment in some kitchen appliances. Vegan dairy and meat substitutes are a lot more expensive than the original, particularly if you used to shop at Aldi. There’s also a very frivolous use of nutmeats in many vegan recipes.

Photo by: Sally Tomato, Cosmonaut